Thursday, March 12, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Stupid scale
So apparently my scale was off by about 10 pounds. Figures, lol. When it seems too good to be true, it usually is, right!? LOL.
CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 3/7/09 - 271.5 POUNDS EWWWWW!
CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 3/7/09 - 271.5 POUNDS EWWWWW!
Ok, so I don't know if my scale has finally *had it* and decided to crap out on me or what? But I weighed myself today and I am currently at 261.5! Hardly something to brag about but IF that's my true number, then I've lost a few pounds between when I wrote this and now! That would be encouraging. I still don't think it's right. But maybe? That would be nice. We'll see. But for today, my scale tells me I'm 261.5. Hmmm..... "girl scout cookie diet...." HMMMM..... lol.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Girl Scouts
Girl Scouts are evil! Well ok, maybe they aren't, but their cookies are.
But mmm, they are soooo good.
I should not even be talking about them here, but I can't resist. My favorite is the Samoa. I used to be mad that they only come out once a year. But now I'm thankful - because if they were around all year, that would easily put me over the edge and into the role of "too fat to get out of bed!"
Samoas....mmmm.... a lil' piece of heaven for me.
But mmm, they are soooo good.
I should not even be talking about them here, but I can't resist. My favorite is the Samoa. I used to be mad that they only come out once a year. But now I'm thankful - because if they were around all year, that would easily put me over the edge and into the role of "too fat to get out of bed!"
Samoas....mmmm.... a lil' piece of heaven for me.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I'll have some salad, diet coke... oh, and 4 slices of pizza too!
Ugh, what a bad day in regards to "losing weight." Yeah, 4 slices of stuffed crust hawaiian Pizza Hut pizza is NOT going to help me do that. The fact that I had a salad and a diet coke doesn't really help balance that I had pizza, does it?! lol.
TONIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE, that I AM SWEARING OFF ORDERING PIZZA!!!! PIZZA WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE! I MEAN IT! (And since I wrote it here, that's gotta mean something, right!?)
My husband and I have made that promise to one another. We will not tempt one another to eat pizza. Whether we crave it or not - it's not going to happen.
Pizza was a main food source in college. Before college, I wasn't even fond of the stuff! If I had a slice, that was enough for me. Then in college, it went up to 2 slices. Then 3 by junior year. By senior year, I could eat half a pizza and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) could eat the other 4. Yeah, it was BAD. I "credit" pizza for helping me gain weight.
Pizza is also the cause of a gallbladder attack that sent me "over the edge" - sent me to the ER and I needed to have a cholesystectomy (aka: gallbladder was removed). I should know that pizza is poisonous to me!
So I completely realized something else today. I'd seen it before, of course, but just hadn't really noticed until I had my husband take a picture of me because in a few days - I'm going to get my hair done and I wanted a "before" picture.
I will NEVER show that before (or probably the "after") picture.
I have MOON FACE. My face is completely rounded. And when I smile, my eyes seem to disappear into my fat face. I was once a good looking face. I even liked the way my face (never my body, I was always self-conscious) - looked in pictures. Even up to a few years ago, my face wasn't awful in pictures. Now it looks like the moon. Minus the craters, but I wouldn't go as far to say I'll never get them... because that's just my luck.
What else did I discover today? Oh, that if I sit down in front of people (which I had to do today) - if I don't have a pillow covering my front, I feel completely vulnerable. Not that the pillow is really hiding what's underneath, but for some reason, I felt that the pillow was my security today.
Ugh. I am rambling again. That's all I do... ramble. On and on and on!! Oh well, this is for me... not for anybody else. Although if you somehow stumble upon this.... and SOMEHOW find this interesting.. then that's fine. Maybe it's for you too. But primarily, I write for myself.
Enough with the rambling tonight.
TONIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE, that I AM SWEARING OFF ORDERING PIZZA!!!! PIZZA WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE! I MEAN IT! (And since I wrote it here, that's gotta mean something, right!?)
My husband and I have made that promise to one another. We will not tempt one another to eat pizza. Whether we crave it or not - it's not going to happen.
Pizza was a main food source in college. Before college, I wasn't even fond of the stuff! If I had a slice, that was enough for me. Then in college, it went up to 2 slices. Then 3 by junior year. By senior year, I could eat half a pizza and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) could eat the other 4. Yeah, it was BAD. I "credit" pizza for helping me gain weight.
Pizza is also the cause of a gallbladder attack that sent me "over the edge" - sent me to the ER and I needed to have a cholesystectomy (aka: gallbladder was removed). I should know that pizza is poisonous to me!
So I completely realized something else today. I'd seen it before, of course, but just hadn't really noticed until I had my husband take a picture of me because in a few days - I'm going to get my hair done and I wanted a "before" picture.
I will NEVER show that before (or probably the "after") picture.
I have MOON FACE. My face is completely rounded. And when I smile, my eyes seem to disappear into my fat face. I was once a good looking face. I even liked the way my face (never my body, I was always self-conscious) - looked in pictures. Even up to a few years ago, my face wasn't awful in pictures. Now it looks like the moon. Minus the craters, but I wouldn't go as far to say I'll never get them... because that's just my luck.
What else did I discover today? Oh, that if I sit down in front of people (which I had to do today) - if I don't have a pillow covering my front, I feel completely vulnerable. Not that the pillow is really hiding what's underneath, but for some reason, I felt that the pillow was my security today.
Ugh. I am rambling again. That's all I do... ramble. On and on and on!! Oh well, this is for me... not for anybody else. Although if you somehow stumble upon this.... and SOMEHOW find this interesting.. then that's fine. Maybe it's for you too. But primarily, I write for myself.
Enough with the rambling tonight.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
...And almost a year later....
And almost a year later, here I sit - on my still very large fat ass. I haven't done ANYTHING since I wrote that blog. Can I use the excuse I was on ambien when I wrote that blog? Ok, didn't think so.
I've ballooned even more since April. 278 was my weight a week ago. I'm currently at 275.5. I hardly consider 2.5 pounds any sort of weight loss, so I'm not even going to say I'm "down" to 275.5. How did this happen? No really - how did this happen? Besides the obvious answers... I have to ask myself, how could someone let themselves get to this size? HOW!?
I often wondered how people who were fat could live like that. I used to say to myself "Just put down the damn burger and get yourself a salad!" That takes a little something called will power - something that people who are hugely obese simply do not have. At least, I speak for myself, and I do not have willpower. Which is how I have found myself in this situation, essentially.
Almost a year later and I am UP in weight!? WTF is up with that!? Wasn't I supposed to be like, 50 pounds lighter by now!? With all that hard work and dedication I was going to put forth?
Pffffffffffftttt.
Willpower. No willpower.
Let me add something to the list of things that go wrong when you are enormously fat:
--- Your KNEES start to go bad.
This is one of those things that makes perfect sense. Of course your knees are bound to go bad after years of carrying around extra pounds. But I never thought it would happen to me (just as I thought getting this large would ever happen to me!!). But now I find that getting on my knees to do anything (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean LOOKING for things under couches, etc) - hurts like hell. It feels like I cracked my knee cap, and everytime I get on my knee the cracks get larger and spread out more.
So as a result, I have now resorted to asking my 4 year old son to look under the couch for me. I can still bend down and pick things up - but what, is that next!?
NO, I cannot let it be next!
Please GOD... please, anybody that has an extra prayer - please help me. I need help so bad. I know I've gotten myself into this mess, but I will do anything to get myself out of this mess!
Being fat, and staying fat, is a vicious cycle. It's a very difficult one to break. It's not as easy as "putting down the burger" - really, it's not. It might have been 100 pounds ago. But it's not that easy anymore.
So far I've done a few things that I am proud of (as little as it may sound to you, it's a big deal for me!)
1. No more ambien snacking. Anybody who takes ambien knows what I mean. I put locks on things now, and if I find that I MUST snack on something, it's only going to be a snack bag of carrots or a cucumber. Of course, if I can stick to this during the day, that would be great. But for now, I'm working the late-night snacking.
2. No more coca-cola! Coke is my addiction. I love it, and I need the caffeine. I've switched to diet coke, and I refuse to let any "regular" coke into my house again!! You figure a can of coke is 140 calories, and that's what, 16 oz? I can drink like 4 or 5 in a day. Now it's down to 0 calories. SO I'm saving myself a number of calories!
Ok, that's it for now.
I've ballooned even more since April. 278 was my weight a week ago. I'm currently at 275.5. I hardly consider 2.5 pounds any sort of weight loss, so I'm not even going to say I'm "down" to 275.5. How did this happen? No really - how did this happen? Besides the obvious answers... I have to ask myself, how could someone let themselves get to this size? HOW!?
I often wondered how people who were fat could live like that. I used to say to myself "Just put down the damn burger and get yourself a salad!" That takes a little something called will power - something that people who are hugely obese simply do not have. At least, I speak for myself, and I do not have willpower. Which is how I have found myself in this situation, essentially.
Almost a year later and I am UP in weight!? WTF is up with that!? Wasn't I supposed to be like, 50 pounds lighter by now!? With all that hard work and dedication I was going to put forth?
Pffffffffffftttt.
Willpower. No willpower.
Let me add something to the list of things that go wrong when you are enormously fat:
--- Your KNEES start to go bad.
This is one of those things that makes perfect sense. Of course your knees are bound to go bad after years of carrying around extra pounds. But I never thought it would happen to me (just as I thought getting this large would ever happen to me!!). But now I find that getting on my knees to do anything (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean LOOKING for things under couches, etc) - hurts like hell. It feels like I cracked my knee cap, and everytime I get on my knee the cracks get larger and spread out more.
So as a result, I have now resorted to asking my 4 year old son to look under the couch for me. I can still bend down and pick things up - but what, is that next!?
NO, I cannot let it be next!
Please GOD... please, anybody that has an extra prayer - please help me. I need help so bad. I know I've gotten myself into this mess, but I will do anything to get myself out of this mess!
Being fat, and staying fat, is a vicious cycle. It's a very difficult one to break. It's not as easy as "putting down the burger" - really, it's not. It might have been 100 pounds ago. But it's not that easy anymore.
So far I've done a few things that I am proud of (as little as it may sound to you, it's a big deal for me!)
1. No more ambien snacking. Anybody who takes ambien knows what I mean. I put locks on things now, and if I find that I MUST snack on something, it's only going to be a snack bag of carrots or a cucumber. Of course, if I can stick to this during the day, that would be great. But for now, I'm working the late-night snacking.
2. No more coca-cola! Coke is my addiction. I love it, and I need the caffeine. I've switched to diet coke, and I refuse to let any "regular" coke into my house again!! You figure a can of coke is 140 calories, and that's what, 16 oz? I can drink like 4 or 5 in a day. Now it's down to 0 calories. SO I'm saving myself a number of calories!
Ok, that's it for now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I've had it
Let's start with the basics. I'm 27. And I'm 5'3. I'm married. I have two children. And I'm fat. Disgustingly, ridiculously fat. This is going to be my first of hopefully many entries. I hope I am not so lazy and quit. It's so easy to quit. But I've had it. I need to fight the good fight and get my fat ass slimmer. If for nothing else, I need to be able to comfortably wipe my own ass again. Yes, that's right. Wiping my own ass is uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - the job gets done, and thoroughly! - - it's just not as easy and effortless as it used to be.
We all take things for granted when we are a "normal" size. I remember being a normal, healthy size. I've somehow ballooned into this disgusting blob that I dread looking at in the mirror. I used to be a mirror whore. I loved looking at myself in the mirror because if I had nothing else, I had a pretty face. Now I have a double chin, a big fat neck, and somehow my teeth don't look as pretty and apparent as they used to be. Why is that? Oh, that's right - because my cheeks are huge, which offset the size of my teeth, therefore making my mouth look smaller (ironically).
Anyway, I ramble. But I don't care. This is my blog. And really, it's for ME. So if you don't like it, don't read it. But I guess this is public, so if you choose to read it... then whatever.
So some things that I notice about being fat, that really bother and/or disgust me and/or bother me.
1. I've realized that if I fall, I may very well break many bones and or even DIE because of all the weight I carry.
2. I have back/neck/shoulder problems that are of unknown origin. I'm currently having it "investigated" (doctor appointment in a few weeks for an MRI) but really, it all comes down to: MY BODY can't handle all this lard!
3. I can't wipe my ass easily anymore, as mentioned in the beginning lol.
4. I can't chase after my children - which bothers me more than words can say.
5. Because I can't chase after my children, I get looks. THOSE bother me more than words can say, especially because I feel so ashamed as it is.
6. Because of the portion sizes I've eaten, my stomach has grown - a lot. I can out-eat probably more than half the population. And that's NOT something to brag about.
7. I won't post pictures of myself anymore because I'm really, really disgusting.
8. Nothing ANYBODY says, including my husband, can make me feel good about myself.
9. I avoid mirrors now - how awful is that!? I never imagined a world where I'd avoid them!
10. I realize that my fat ass probably won't fit on roller coasters anymore. I love roller coasters. I don't even want to try to go on now.
11. I don't want to go to the beach. It's hot. And I'll get harpooned or comments will be made about me.
12. I can't stand with my feet pointed straight anymore. What the fuck is that about!?!? Fat legs. I want to puke.
13. I always feel swollen. Like literally. Sometimes I'll wake up with my weddings rings feeling too tight. How do you swell in the middle of the night? Do I have heart failure!? Yeah, I've become paranoid since being fat. But hey, it's a possibility. Sedentary lifestyle accompanied by being really fat can't be a good combination!
14. I dread shopping. I won't shop unless something gets a hole in it or actually rips. I've gone from looking normal to looking like trash.
15. I don't like going anywhere that teenagers go (movies, bowling, etc). Teenagers are the most outwardly cruel individuals out there. I should know - I was one once. And I was very observant of those around me. And I was a snot. What goes around comes around, that's for sure!
16. When did it become a necessity to get a table instead of a booth? Or if they try to seat us at a booth, I get nervous because I'm scared I won't fit!?!?!
I could go on and on. And maybe I will. But in the meantime, I've decided to do something about it. Finally. And I'm GOING to do it, even if it kills me. Since lap-band surgery is simply not an option due to cost restrictions - I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way - hard work and dedication!!! I'm still a little clueless as to how I'm going to do it, but I've got a few tools. I just need to figure out how to properly utilize them.
My "inventory" includes:
Alli - my new "ally" I hope. I haven't taken it yet though.
A kitchen scale
and
Weight Watchers books courtesy of my sister who never used them (but never really needed them anyway).
So wish me luck. Or follow my progress. Or keep moving on. Whatever. This is my life. And it's going to change.
CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 4/30/2008: 258 disgusting pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all take things for granted when we are a "normal" size. I remember being a normal, healthy size. I've somehow ballooned into this disgusting blob that I dread looking at in the mirror. I used to be a mirror whore. I loved looking at myself in the mirror because if I had nothing else, I had a pretty face. Now I have a double chin, a big fat neck, and somehow my teeth don't look as pretty and apparent as they used to be. Why is that? Oh, that's right - because my cheeks are huge, which offset the size of my teeth, therefore making my mouth look smaller (ironically).
Anyway, I ramble. But I don't care. This is my blog. And really, it's for ME. So if you don't like it, don't read it. But I guess this is public, so if you choose to read it... then whatever.
So some things that I notice about being fat, that really bother and/or disgust me and/or bother me.
1. I've realized that if I fall, I may very well break many bones and or even DIE because of all the weight I carry.
2. I have back/neck/shoulder problems that are of unknown origin. I'm currently having it "investigated" (doctor appointment in a few weeks for an MRI) but really, it all comes down to: MY BODY can't handle all this lard!
3. I can't wipe my ass easily anymore, as mentioned in the beginning lol.
4. I can't chase after my children - which bothers me more than words can say.
5. Because I can't chase after my children, I get looks. THOSE bother me more than words can say, especially because I feel so ashamed as it is.
6. Because of the portion sizes I've eaten, my stomach has grown - a lot. I can out-eat probably more than half the population. And that's NOT something to brag about.
7. I won't post pictures of myself anymore because I'm really, really disgusting.
8. Nothing ANYBODY says, including my husband, can make me feel good about myself.
9. I avoid mirrors now - how awful is that!? I never imagined a world where I'd avoid them!
10. I realize that my fat ass probably won't fit on roller coasters anymore. I love roller coasters. I don't even want to try to go on now.
11. I don't want to go to the beach. It's hot. And I'll get harpooned or comments will be made about me.
12. I can't stand with my feet pointed straight anymore. What the fuck is that about!?!? Fat legs. I want to puke.
13. I always feel swollen. Like literally. Sometimes I'll wake up with my weddings rings feeling too tight. How do you swell in the middle of the night? Do I have heart failure!? Yeah, I've become paranoid since being fat. But hey, it's a possibility. Sedentary lifestyle accompanied by being really fat can't be a good combination!
14. I dread shopping. I won't shop unless something gets a hole in it or actually rips. I've gone from looking normal to looking like trash.
15. I don't like going anywhere that teenagers go (movies, bowling, etc). Teenagers are the most outwardly cruel individuals out there. I should know - I was one once. And I was very observant of those around me. And I was a snot. What goes around comes around, that's for sure!
16. When did it become a necessity to get a table instead of a booth? Or if they try to seat us at a booth, I get nervous because I'm scared I won't fit!?!?!
I could go on and on. And maybe I will. But in the meantime, I've decided to do something about it. Finally. And I'm GOING to do it, even if it kills me. Since lap-band surgery is simply not an option due to cost restrictions - I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way - hard work and dedication!!! I'm still a little clueless as to how I'm going to do it, but I've got a few tools. I just need to figure out how to properly utilize them.
My "inventory" includes:
Alli - my new "ally" I hope. I haven't taken it yet though.
A kitchen scale
and
Weight Watchers books courtesy of my sister who never used them (but never really needed them anyway).
So wish me luck. Or follow my progress. Or keep moving on. Whatever. This is my life. And it's going to change.
CURRENT WEIGHT AS OF 4/30/2008: 258 disgusting pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!
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